my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
