He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
