Sry I called you an 8
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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