goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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