i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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