After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
