So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
