sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
