Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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