So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
