well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
