Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
