It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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