i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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