i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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