i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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