I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All the doctor said was why
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
