please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
