bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
