Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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