I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
