Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
