Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the condom got lost in my hair
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
