I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
