My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
