R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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