apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
