I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He felt like a one man threesome
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
