My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
