I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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