We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
