i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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