saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
