Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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