My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
