Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
