Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
