i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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