i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
