im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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