i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
