Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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