I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
