I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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