Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
