he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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