She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
how drunk are you?
Several
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