We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
