i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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