grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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