I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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