So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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