When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
