3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
