Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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