I puked a lego.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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