Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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